Shields Up!

The cost of chronic complaining and what to do about it

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Depending on which study you choose to believe, the average person complains anywhere from three to 30 times a day. Some people rarely complain, which means that others smash right through that ceiling.

Complaining seems a part of human nature. In my case, I rarely complain about the weather, because I can’t do anything about it. But I complain a lot about our government, despite the fact that I can’t do much about it either.

Sometimes a complaint brings benefits, relieving stress, easing certain situations, and serving as a bond of affinity with others. Properly handled, a grievance, whether with an employer, a friend, or a relative, can bring positive results. If, for example, your boss decides to cut down on the electric bill by keeping the air-conditioning at 77 degrees during a heat wave, you can bring in a study showing that office productivity drops when temperatures run from the mid-70s and upward.

But chronic complaining yields negative effects with no redeeming value. It causes division and unhappiness in the work place, thereby lowering morale. Ditto for marriage and friendship. The misery spreads, a verbal virus affecting the thinking and feelings of everyone within earshot.

It gets worse. Researchers have found that constant grousing negatively affects the brain, specifically the hippocampus, where problem-solving and learning take place. Complaining releases cortisol, a stress hormone which under normal circumstances and for short periods of time can be useful, but chronic bellyaching over weeks, months, and years damages the hippocampus. The person who listens to constant griping can suffer the same stress to the brain.

Curbing our complaints isn’t easy. Years ago we were about two weeks into Lent when my youngest son asked what I’d given up for this penitential season. “I’m trying to stop complaining,” I said. “But it’s tough. I’m mean, really tough. Every time I turn around, I’m complaining about one thing or another, mostly in my head. I’m really not sure I can do it.”

He burst out laughing, and after a few seconds I did the same. I was complaining about complaining.

So the first step to rein in excessive griping is making the effort.

In her article, “How to Stop Complaining About Work (and Why You Need To),” author and speaker Chrissy Scivicque recommends that inveterate complainers consider the reputation they’re building among their coworkers. Clearly, no one wants to be known as “whiny, entitled, negative, victim, weak, disloyal, annoying, needy and powerless.”

Scivicque also points out the destructive effects of this mindset not only on the grumbler, but on everyone else. Scivicque advises a recalibration by focusing on the positive, which can be found in almost any workplace. If there are real problems, she says, then work on solutions.

For those looking to change closer to home, writer Julie Holmquist offers advice on how to be an encouraging spouse rather than “crab and complain.” Her faith-based recommendations include reading certain scriptures and spending more time in prayer, including one short prayer that can be a boon: “God, help me to be a blessing to someone today.” Make that somebody a specific person – a spouse, a friend, a struggling acquaintance – and you have a powerful way of making a difference in the world.

Nearly all commentators on chronic complaining mention an attitude of gratitude as an antidote. Rather than whine to ourselves about the workplace, maybe we should be grateful we have a job. Instead of perpetually blaming and resenting our parents for our lousy upbringing, we might instead be grateful we’re alive and vow to provide our own children with a healthier environment.

As for enduring the chronic and unavoidable complainers in our lives – Uncle Billy Bob’s marathon rants on the state of the country, Cousin Sally’s litany of health problems – we must devise ways of protection, especially when escape is not an option.

In professional baseball, some pitchers approach the mound murmuring to themselves, “Shield up!” They encase themselves in an invisible barrier, a zone unpenetrated by the boos and catcalls. This is excellent advice when we’re assailed with the gripes of others. While they’re running through their list of grievances, we can throw up the shield, smile, nod, all while thinking of what we might cook for supper or whether we should put in a vegetable garden next summer.

We can also use this trick to stop ourselves from complaining, creating a shield of reticence, holding back from complaining except when the issues are real and need attention.

Rid ourselves of unhealthy complaining, whether spoken or heard, and we’ve taken down a barrier to happiness and satisfaction in our lives.

This article is published here with the permission of 1819 News and was made possible by the Fred & Rheta Skelton Center for Cultural Renewal.